You recieve the news ๐ฐ today that the dino ๐ฆ bites aren't at Costco anymore... (text-style:"bold","expand","tall")[UGH] ๐ฉ. Do you [[strangle]] ๐ก the CEO of Costco ๐จโ๐ผ or [[contemplate]] ๐ค your ''UTTER'' lack of personality ๐ without those crispy stegosauruses ๐ฆ?On a scale โ๏ธ of 1 to (text-style:"rumble")[(text-colour:red)[''Django Unchained'']] โ๏ธ, how gentle ๐ถ are you with the CEO ๐จโ๐ผ?
(text-colour:lime)[[1]]
(text-colour:yellow)[[2]]
(text-colour:orange)[[3]]
(text-colour:red)[[Django Unchained]]Your mom's ๐งโโ๏ธ basement smells weirdly [[musty]] ๐ตโ๐ซ as you count your pteradactyls ๐ฆค and drift into [[sleep]] ๐ด.The musty smell ๐ becomes more (text-colour:yellow)[mustard gas] ๐ญ๐จ than musty.
[[Death embraces your soul devoided body->"the kick"]] โ ๏ธ๐ชฆYou ๐ซต are now stuck in limbo ๐ถโ๐ซ๏ธ for the next 30 years as your brain ๐ง turns to mush ๐.
[[Wait it out]] โฑ๏ธ
Initiate (text-rotate-z:334)[["the kick"]] ๐ฆตHave you even seen Inception? Just initiate (text-rotate-z:334)[["the kick"]] already
<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/l0HlGIBmxmfdiyzOE/giphy.gif>Turns out the CEO knows Jiu Jutsu ๐ฅ and immediately puts you in an arm bar ๐ช, eventually breaking your elbow ๐ฉป.
[[Nice guys never win->strangle]] ๐๐ซ๐ฅ.You're getting there ๐! Yet your strangulation grip ๐ โโ๏ธ is a little too soft and the CEO calls his (text-colour:red)[royal guards] ๐โโ๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ.
They waste no time โฐ in absolutely wasting you ๐ต.
Perks to having money ๐ฐ I guess ๐คท.
Slightly nicer guys [[still never win->strangle]] ๐ขAn epic battle ensues โ๏ธ between you and the CEO ๐โโ๏ธ๐๐จโ๐ผ. You pull out the Master Sword ๐ก๏ธ but it it just enough time for the CEO to go Super Saiyan Ultra Instinct ๐จโ๐ฆณ. Your determination and anger builds ๐ค as your attacks continue to miss due to his epic speed ๐. Calling upon the Goddess Hylia ๐งโโ๏ธ as your final stand causes you to collapse in exhaustion ๐ฅฑ. Hylia almost defeats the CEO ๐ but because she has to protect you at the same time, she end ups falling to the great enemy ๐.
[[Get wrecked nerd->strangle]] ๐ค"I like the way you die, boy. Let's get out of here." ๐โโ๏ธ
I hope that you're comfortable in the quiet plastic grave ๐ชฆ
The CEO is [[utterly wasted]] ๐
<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/XAZviyD7zSQovEuprB/giphy.gif>It's only (text-colour:blue)[[water]] ๐
It's only (text-colour:#FF8E1C)[[fire]] ๐ฅ
It's only (text-colour:red)[[love]] โค๏ธ
It's only (text-colour:#7C0B0B)[[slaughter]] โฐ๏ธ
We're only (text-colour:#EBDD00)[[liars]] ๐คฅ
It's only (text-colour:#a00e0e)[[blood]] ๐ฉธWhat are you gonna do? Bleed on me? ๐ฉธ
I'll [[bite ya arms off!->utterly wasted]] ๐ฎ
<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/CUTWsZ8UOlKuc/giphy.gif>I lie in person and on the [[phone]] ๐ฑ. I lie to my [[friends->phone]] ๐โโ๏ธ. I lie to [[newspapers->phone]] ๐๏ธ and [[magazines->phone]] ๐ who, who [[sell->phone]] ๐ค my lies to more and more [[people->phone]] ๐โโ๏ธ. I am just a part of a [[big cycle of lies->phone]] ๐, I should be [[fetchin' president->phone]] ๐คด.You gotta ask yourself a question โ, "Do I feel lucky?" ๐. Well, do you [[punk?->utterly wasted]] ๐ซ
<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/YIXzhAaX3sghO/giphy.gif>You came up to my desk ๐ฉโ๐ผ and said, This may sound weird ๐คจ, and there's no reason for me to know this ๐ค, but that mixed berry yogurt ๐ง you're about to eat has expired ๐.
That was the moment that you knew you liked me? ๐
Yep.
Wow. Can we make it a different moment? ๐ง
[[Nope->utterly wasted]] ๐ณ
<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/gKic8ScFURn8LqZFqK/giphy.gif><img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/enzPQyHVWMfx6/giphy.gif>
Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!
Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch?
Villager: She looks like one!
Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!!
Bedevere: Bring her forward.
(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She
is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose,
and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is
closed by the carrot.)
Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one.
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this.
Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!
Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!
(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in
fact rather small.)
Bedevere: Well?
One Villager: Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose?
Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch!
Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!
B: Did you dress her up like this?
Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...
One Villager: yes.
Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.
Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart...
B: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!!
(pause)
Bedevere: a newt?
(long pause)
Villager: I got better...
Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!
B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she
is a witch!
Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!
B: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!
B: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Villager: More Witches!
Other Villager: Wood.
B: So. Why do witches burn?
(long silence)
(shuffling of feet by the villagers)
Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood?
B: Goooood!
Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh....
B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er!
B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm...
B: Does wood sink in water?
One Villager: No! No, no, it floats!
Other Villager: Throw her into the pond!
Villagers: yaaaaaa!
(when order is restored)
B: What also floats in water?
Villager: Bread!
Another Villager: Apples!
Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks!
Another Villager: Cider!
Another Villager: Uh...great gravy!
Another Villager: Cherries!
Another Villager: Mud!
Another Villager: Churches! Churches!
Another Villager: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck!
Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh!
B: exACTly!
B: (to a villager) So, *logically*...
Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word)
If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.
B: and therefore...
(pause)
Villager: A Witch!
All Villagers: A WITCH!
(they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest
scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)
Witch: (to camera) [[It's a fair cop->utterly wasted]].
You're only [[crying]] ๐ขThey're only [[thoughts]] that ๐ญ
I'm having [[thoughts safe within my head]] ๐โโ๏ธYou're only [[dying]] ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
You're only [[dead]] ๐ตThoughts about [[food]] ๐Like craving a [[deep dish pizza]] ๐
or [[sushi]] ๐ฃ
or [[chocy milk]] ๐ง
or [[welches fruit snacks]] ๐
or [[pumpkin pie]] ๐ฅง
or [[fruit salad]] ๐๐ฅ[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/11rY4Al8L4BRPq/giphy.gif>->food]]
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ๐คค[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/KmPevfkpkmaoo/giphy.gif>->food]]
oooooooooooooooooooo ๐ฒ[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/3o6MbfZkJ3R8FogHF6/giphy.gif>->food]]
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh ๐<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/xUA7b6XPbKbk7HQHaU/giphy.gif>
Congrats, you picked my personal favorite ๐. Welches fruit snacks ๐. Anyone who says Motts are better need to reevaluate their life โป๏ธ. The smile ones from Wal-mart taste really good ๐คค but their texture is wayyyyy too sticky ๐ฏ. Anything else is too out there but I am willing to try if you [[bring me a packet.]] ๐[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/Piil79jvVAkexvwRuz/giphy.gif>->food]]
With as much whipped cream as your heart desires ๐ฆWelcome to the [[after party]] ๐ฅณ! Ahem, I mean the [[afterlife!]] ๐ผThis is the pastafarianism afterlife ๐! Where the rivers run with beer ๐บ, everyone is a pirate ๐ดโโ ๏ธ, and you worship a Flying Spaghetti Monster ๐!
But alas, your quest comes to a screeching halt ๐ as you imbibe way too many [["spirits."->dead]] ๐ป
<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/KZwAYPAjwDtaR9Qr58/giphy.gif>Angels fill the clouded void ๐ถโ๐ซ๏ธ with beautiful music ๐ป and VR viewing stations ๐ฅฝ are everywhere, allowing you to relive your life in a 16k ๐คฏ, surround sound ๐ต, 4D experience .
[[Put on the headset?]] ๐ง
[[Walk away]] ๐ถโโ๏ธ๐ถโโ๏ธThe angels conjure holy heckin spears ๐ and become hostile at your refusal to participate ๐จ. Are you sure you made it to heaven ๐? Or is this really [[HELL?->afterlife!]] ๐Your senses become overloaded and everything vanishes around you ๐ซฅ. A [[single word]] appears on the screen. ๐บ(text-style:"outline","expand","blink")[[Ready?->"the kick"]] ๐ฅธyou [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly 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[[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]] you [[LIAR->utterly wasted]]My address is [[1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500]] ๐ก
My phone number is [[867-5309]] โ๏ธ
My credit card number is [[4406 0392 1399 7646 Exp Date 07/27 and Security Code: 313]] ๐ณ[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/N6lrS4304Agog/giphy.gif>->bring me a packet.]]
๐คด[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/Ju7l5y9osyymQ/giphy.gif>->crying]]
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hehe ๐[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7aTCIs0HiRCiQg7e/giphy.gif>->bring me a packet.]]
๐๐ช[[<img src=https://media.giphy.com/media/RT39Rsc2sww6TkEg24/giphy.gif>->crying]]
Ahh you found the way out ๐ค
But did you find everything?? ๐ค